Come Clean

Some might wonder just what went wrong with me off lately. Went AWOL on everything. Got off grid. Mind wasn't straight for days. Started with a story of someone who matters, whom I had portion of my soul to her due to her good virtue. She is part of "The List". Kind, caring and unique for that matter. But. There's one detail to the beautiful picture. She is .Engaged.

It was all normal. Me being me, ignorant beyond social capacity. Especially to the Eves. But then it happened. What? When and How? It was all of a sudden. She was persistent. I reconcile. I assume it was just normal for any person to be afraid of lifelong decision that she is going through. I severed myself almost completely from her. I felt disgraced and hurt of those deeds. But up above, He deserve more recognition, and there are ethic of life that we are all bound to.

It was dreadful. painful. It just eats you up inside and outside. I never did something like that before, to ostracized someone that way, and I wish to never ever go there, ever again. I was just confused of life's decision. made me wonder for almost every second, did you do right? were you just? It was all shades of grey and not as black and white as it used to be.

Feeling was overwhelming, but after long painstaking week. She agreed. We'll put it to past and never re-visit those feelings. But I was optimist about it thou. Maybe when the time is right, later on in life. Perhaps. She got on with her plan of marrying Mr.RightGuy and we be friends. Just when i thought the storm should ease down, I had a really bad post-trauma withdrawal.

I realized that I kept having her at the back of my mind. Every minute and every second. and sometimes i literally see her. literally. Its just there and its not going away. I cant focus on Da'wah Tarbiyah, cant focus on Exams. Life was unproductive. Before coming home, I was optimistic, things will just ease down on me with all the cuddles, kisses and home delicacies waiting for me back home.

Its more than a week now since I got home, its still not going away. In fact, it got worst. I'm awake all night, lose my daylight with love ones. Having guitar around when you are not sober, does not help at all. You sing your heart all night long. and I still have yet to contact the person in charge to guide me in Da'wah & Tarbiyah here in PJ.

Sometimes I wonder, how did I give in to those feelings so badly? I thought I'm done with it? Its hard to describe feelings. the more words you try to describe, the more unsound it is to the real meaning. All i can say is, I'm not sane, and each day I am a distant saint.

Thinking of the whole ordeal i have in hand, I can't let my mind of one prophetic wisdom. "The Prophet PBUH said: When a man comes to you (asking for your daughter) and you are pleased with his religion and character, marry her to him. If you don't, there will be a trial on the earth, and widespread corruption (will prevail) [Tirmidhi] ".

Something that I knew before, but only recently understood.You have this overwhelming feelings that surpasses your daily cup of tea, but you cant express them, you can't date, there's no legal means to it, not until there's vows and oaths in the name the creator. and given the circumstances that she is engaged, its a recipe for disaster.

I decided to come clean with ibu and ayah, they both realized I was different then before. They understood me, and they even gave me a "Green Light" to get married if i really need to =) hee hee. To have that assurance, it just gives you hope! They understood my feelings, at the same time acknowledge my need to preserve my deen and dignity. Oh Ayub, you're so dumb =) Given the idea of early marriage are not too keen by culture and society, i was quite amaze that ibu ayah gave that response with a very casual face, so cool and seems almost carefree.


And to you, yes you! I dunno how long will this go on for me, but know this. You suck! boo hoo! =P Have a good life ahead and be rest assure that he is a good guy to begin with. I'll be alright.


This cover song goes to AyahIbuImanAzyan! Thnx for all your support and for pampering me since i was a baby until I'm a "big baby". and best of all, thanks for the "Green Card". but I'll try my best to be financially stable on my own before jump into those last resort.

and oh yuh, need to update "The List" =P Tralala


19 comment:

at: June 24, 2011 at 3:24 AM said...

I don't know bout your circle of friends. But I have friends who are already married at 22. I consider that early marriage. More ppl are opting to go down that path.

Stay strong bro...and welcome back =)

The Rocking Hijab says:
at: June 24, 2011 at 8:18 AM said...

I think that's what makes us human. Feelings.

Anyway, I also have a senior who is a year older than us and she just had a baby earlier this month. She got married at the age of 20. So actually, early marriage is really not that weird anymore.

Unknown says:
at: June 24, 2011 at 8:22 AM said...

broken heart, isn't easy to mend. But as long as we have faith in Allah, what else matters? =) there are more better things ahead of you for sure, insyaAllah.

Umairah says:
at: June 24, 2011 at 8:54 AM said...

Aj being insan our feeling for others will come and will go believe me. What this is ujian for u to do the right thing. Dont let there be room for bisikan yang membawa kita jauh dari yang dikehendaki oleh yg Esa. All of us go thru this including bubu and ayah.It will come to pass . There will be the right one for u . Respect her "P" and treat her as any friend deserves. Then you will be at peace and move on. Mr Right deserve your gentlemenness and be a great friend to him.

B. Arafia says:
at: June 24, 2011 at 9:12 AM said...

My dearest brother, Ayub we are merely humans after all. but what sets us difference from the animals is that we are able to fathom and analyze each situations.

and Ibu is right, it's just a test.

It also shows how the Almighty is really paying attention to you :) braise yourself and insya'Allah you will be alright.

anyhow, and there's nothing 'weird' with marrying early. If you're ready for the commitment and have the means and the one you want to spent your remaining life on earth then why not.

perhaps one of these days, I'll make you tiramisu lah to cheer you up :) take care ayubbb! see you later insya'Allah :D

The Tea Drinker says:
at: June 24, 2011 at 12:30 PM said...

take your time but not too long. set a time for urself. rest. then move on.

some things are taken away because it is incompatible even if we dont see it so. find solace in that this happens for your safety in this path of life.

and early marriage is awesome, lets say married by 22. first kid by 23... by 30 (when people are quite settled down career wise)... a holiday anywhere with a 7 year old is awesome. by 60, u have a mature 37 year old with his kids and still fit (insha Allah) to be a fun granpa.

aint so bad no?

Hadi Shafee says:
at: June 24, 2011 at 12:55 PM said...

ayub, ni aku butet. haha. xpe ayub. there are many fishes in the sea, unless they are all male

at: June 27, 2011 at 8:12 AM said...

Zalifah: Thnx for the kind words... My future sister in law is 22. Thnx again for the care

at: June 27, 2011 at 8:16 AM said...

R.H: waaaa already have baby!!! Happy nyerr... Tht is sumthing to look forward to

at: June 27, 2011 at 8:23 AM said...

Yeah... Used to tease others regarding this. Now i understand how strong feelings could be. What happen to everyone of us, its not right, but its understandable. Well at least im more understanding about it.

Unknown says:
at: June 27, 2011 at 10:56 AM said...

salam. ayub, semoga tabah dengan ujian. Kalau ada 'The list', istikharah lah sebaiknya dan bertawakal.

Semoga kuat jiwa dan iman.

at: June 27, 2011 at 3:01 PM said...

umairah: ok bu! <3 will do.

at: June 27, 2011 at 3:03 PM said...

balqies: thnx balqies. talking abt early marriage. Whose getting married next year? XDD

at: June 27, 2011 at 3:04 PM said...

TTD: wow. aha! frgot being a great grandpa in my whole planning. not bad jugak kawin awal. =)

at: June 27, 2011 at 3:05 PM said...

tet: we eat male fishes! GAGA!

at: June 27, 2011 at 3:05 PM said...

BR: khair! will do just that.

ana banana
at: June 28, 2011 at 1:18 AM said...

abg ayub ! i hv friends yg kawen awal too. time2 still tgh study. i know how u must feel, having to abstain urself from succumbing to such strong overwhelming feelings. but Allah always knows what's best for those He loves. and i honestly feel, abstinence is best. use tht "Green Card" with the right woman at a time when u have enough "green" in the bank k :)thr's no rush if its gonna last a life time :) much love <3

at: June 28, 2011 at 4:30 AM said...

ana: thnx ana. Verily Allah do know whats best for me. Theres always reason to everything, and in time wisdom will come. made my life, interesting =).

abdus says:
at: July 5, 2011 at 5:59 PM said...

now, it seems i missed a lot of updates about you.
*rindu mode*