Another episode of life in pursuit of happiness

Its 6.33 in the morning, and I've stared at the screen for about 10 minutes just to figure out what and how to begin with. This is the time i feel like finding a quite place just to scream my lungs out.

I do not know what bothers me the most, is it the fact that I am committing a major treason to the deen, or to pursue the love of my life (at least that what im thinking right now) under undoubtly erroneous and fallacious circumstances. Somehow its seems like a perfect match, you found someone who speaks the same language, appreciate the same music, shares the same passion and inspire mountain of hope in life, and not to forget she is freakishly smart.

Its beyond the limit of my comprehension, to surpress those feelings and uncertainties, i really cant think straight, i didnt go to class for weeks, and i locked myself in my room for almost a week not wanting to see anyone and about to skip my usrah intentionally for the first time, but out of Allah's mercy i cant do it, but arrived nearing to midnight. I thought naqib was going to be angry not giving reason of being late and not calling, out of reach, and not to forget liqa' was rescheduled because i used the "busy" ticket. and best of all i arrived super duper late, he was smiling happy just to see me and he gave me container full of cakes to take home, which others didnt get. Its a classic case of beruk bagi taik, dapat bunga. Damn you Ayub, Damn you.

I still cant figure out how I can be so insidious. Not intentionally, but out of blindness of feelings. Tell me why are you so desperate. why. why. Growing out from teenage to young blood in a hedonistic world is what is. Its the era where men pious by day, and beast by night, impatience world, full of greed and propaganda. Love songs are wrong until made right. Sexual thoughts are wrong until made right. Lust are wrong until made right. and current state of affair of the world doesnt help abit in coping with the reality. Its the time when candy bar promoted by half naked woman, and you just pray to God that nothing comes your way every night and every day leading you astray.

Its easy to be naive and look at it as something small. couple, dating, innuendo pervasive talk and given my past lifestyle is so pleasureable, its so easy to trip and fall behind. Rock and thrash metal industry is no more sinful, but blasphemous. and most of the times you wish you had died before you even reached puberty in this delirious world. and I'm certain this pursuit is pulling me behind in studies, in da'wah, in commitment to my family.

Given her status as engaged, i just cant accept the fact a big billboard over her written "NOT AVAILABLE" engraved with hellfire. You and your false hope Ayub. So weak in your conviction, you should've been stronger. I realized too i cant write on my blog fearing to be a naive. I no more walk the talk like before. I love giving advice, spread knowledge. So passionate in sharing ideas and perspectives. Decorate 'em with beautiful pictures of flowers and natural beauty. But I really dont think i cant do it now, because then I'm a hypocrite.

I've always envied friends who still firm in their way. Clean and fully committed. All out in da'wah tarbiyah. Kudos for you guys. Respect!

So whats next Ayub? Stop moaning and whimpering and get the move on? oh wait deja vu. Didn't i say that not too long ago. Love bugs, such a pain in the bums. Dahla Ayub. Enough is enough. Letting go like letting go half of the life. But like Nirmala my tutor during high school always said "Wattuduw"

I really wish tonight i sleep just to wake up tomorrow with someone by my side, drinking latte in the morning and jam the hell out of love songs available from 80s to 90s, acoustic "live in AOL" style. Help protect each other in this crazy world, and together in tear and pain carry on what the Prophet PBUH cried before, care for each others needs and cure these loneliness of life and to tickle the small hands of a baby. Wipe poo and get sprayed by the little fireman. Gosh. Now youre fantasizing of being a father. Ambitious. Maybe too ambitious. But hey, thats not even quarter of what my mind went through in everyday life. Oh ow. I just realized realized something. Oh ow. Im a daydreamer *facepalm*

Ok la. life moves on. How long i can stay in the state of taubah. Only God knows. But from the response she gave, maybe this is the last time. Because of Allah we are here, to Allah we return.

Hommies get married. Ladies be married. =D hue hue hue.

Kemasukan air, ayub.


On the other note. This song reminds me of Ibu. But its a song of passing. But I dunno, it keeps reminds me of you Ibu.

9 comment:

at: October 2, 2011 at 9:16 AM said...

macam panjang, but it's a beautiful writing in a glance, i can't resist to read sampai habis, then twice. very very beautiful indeed. and worry not ayub, u'll be just fine 'cos since i know u and the life u've been tru so far, it shows that ur strong. and special kind. InsyaAllah.

abdus says:
at: October 2, 2011 at 9:54 AM said...

Agree with Asha. When i looked at the scrollbar, i realised that it is a long post. But, knowing you will write something beautiful and good to read, dig down till bottom.

I might understand the whole content of this post, but, nonetheless, buckle up Ayub. Lets move past this moment together :)

Go Ayub go! haiyak!

abdus says:
at: October 2, 2011 at 9:55 AM said...


".. I might understand the whole content of this post WRONGLY, ..."

The Rocking Hijab says:
at: October 2, 2011 at 5:02 PM said...

Salam alaik,

alhamdulillah you have been given the ability to express yourself so well, and also be true to yourself in the same time. A lot of people(including yours truly here) preferred to just pretend they were just okay with everything and that they try to deny they have such a past that they want to remember because it would only remind them of their flaws as humans.

Indeed, Allah did not burden a person with more than what they can cope. InshaAllah, you and I, though we lead a different journey, I hope we can tread this road and just hope that by holding on to Allah, somehow, things will just get easier to handle. InshaAllah. :)

Umairah says:
at: October 2, 2011 at 7:25 PM said...

Baba, forbidden fruit is the most tempting. It is a fact. Just let it slide . It does not matter in the end. Doing the right is all that matters. It may not feel good or you feel you cannot get/do it. It is okay. Theres so many things in life we cannot get we continue with it because Allah knows best. Dont let us be swayed by our mortal enemy who knows our weekness, nafs and deep feelings. With that in place plan and work at the important thing in your fisabillilah yr study & dakwah. I know you will find the right person. Even if it is the same person if Allah so willed but do it right by his will and do not hurt others. Remember this is a phase that you have to go and win it dont lose it. Remember what wisdom/ story we spoke about. Lets do it right and not regret it in years to come.

at: October 3, 2011 at 1:19 AM said...

We could have had that latte and we could have jammed beautiful music together. Love Song - The Cure maybe? :)

If it's any consolation.. I feel twice as horrible.

a.j. says:
at: October 3, 2011 at 7:31 PM said...

kak asha. thanks for those motivation, relli need em. always envied you and kenx. =) God bless you both

Salam: huhu. frankly, i dont feel like anyone would read this. =) just a place to embody my memories and come to terms with myself. but thanx for the care salam. kau memang da best! always be there in my down and ups.

RH: Thanx for the reminder of Surah Al-Baqarah. Im sure we all have our challenges and past lifes that haunt us. life still moves on for Allah's sake.

Ibu: Amin. Ibu Ill try my best Ibu. You are the most understanding mother in the whole wide world. not to mention your my only mum. XD I stil remember those stories you told me about you when you were in UK. ill certainly learn from you. Thanks for everything. Ill treasure it to the end.

Anon: =) we could have. but not this way.

Speedy Gonzales with FLAME
at: October 10, 2011 at 9:01 AM said...

Whoever trying to "kacau" you, that person better stay away from you! Grrr!! My brother is strong because he has SUPPORTIVE people surrounding him! So back off! *FLAME MOOD ON* haizz.. perasaan perasaan... and Ba! u know although i can't be there with u but i'm here.. =)

a.j. says:
at: October 10, 2011 at 1:39 PM said...

sabar sayang. sabar. =)